A Shitty Narrative

24” x 20” acrylic on canvas

A Shitty Narrative is part two to the series ‘The Rebuild’. With this series I'm paying tribute to moments I've lost, could've lost, or still could loose. By paying tribute to those moments I've been able to rebuild my internal home and understand what unconditional self love really feels and looks like. All parts of this series are based off of free writings.

Written 1.2.2024

“Bad things happen. It's a harder pill to swallow for some more than others. It's too easy to identify as the things that have happened to you. Someone who's grieved those they never thought they would have. Someone who's been betrayed by those they never thought they would have. Someone who's battled internal storms invisible to passing eyes. The victim mentality can take over with the flip of a switch if you're not careful. I forgot for too long I was more than what's happened to me. I'm more than those stories that have run circles in my mind. For so long I only saw that, I only thought about that, I only felt that. What a shitty fucking narrative that was.

Those heart shattering things shape us into what we are present day, for better or worse. They're something we carry. They're a chapter. And sometimes events of that chapter can bleed into those that follow but, it doesn't make them the whole book. We make room to carry it with us. We build a life on top of them slow and steady like the sun builds up to golden hour glow. We build up  strength and do it with patience just as the sun never rushes even if it's storming, even when you can't see it. Beautiful moments out of the bad take time. That emotional strength will make sure I have room to carry so much more than those stories. I'm the whole book and it's not closed yet.”

The story behind ‘A shitty Narrative’

Part two of this series pays tribute to a real moment I lost spiraling out in a phase of my life where I felt like I had no control. We all can relate to those periods of time where it just feels like one traumatic gut punch after another. When life just keeps ‘life-ing’ it’s so easy to fall into the ‘bad things just happen to me’. I used these moments as a defining part of who I was without even realizing what this narrative does to the mind. If I’m someone who attracts such bad things, what is there to love?

I caught a big ol’ case of the victim mentality. Every time the bad came back, I thought ‘well obviously because this is what happens to me’. I sat at the local dive bars, three pbr’s and two shots deep oversharing to a stranger my hardest years of life, just for the look of pity followed by a ‘poor you, you’re so strong’ to remind myself of the cards I was dealt.

So many years forward in time, crossing paths with others in similar mindsets I could finally reflect on how this mentality ripped my internal home shreds. The antidote was a change in mindset. Life happens and we can’t control it. Life goes on and we can’t slow it down. What has felt like the end of my world so many times inevitably becomes just different chapters because life is long. I can control myself and my reactions. We can’t control others or what happens outside of our control but, I can still take control of my life to say ‘Hey I’m more than just the narrator here’. Those periods are just a part of a much larger story and I’ve ditched the shitty narrative.

And with this mindset shift, I’ve laid the foundation to this new internal home in this rebuild.